If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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