i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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