Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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