My room smells like vodka and shame
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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