I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
