I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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