Is it because I queefed?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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