She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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