I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
