I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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