Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
