took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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