I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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