my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
