Small penises have feelings too.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
