She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
