Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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