Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
