I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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