Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
