I faked an abortion last night.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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