Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
