I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
