apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
