My liver just broke up with me...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
