I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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