i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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