If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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