her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
