I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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