Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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