found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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