and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
