The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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