you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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