Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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