Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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