i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
