well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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