Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
