Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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