dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
