Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
