There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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