3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
