I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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