I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
