1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
