Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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