She announced her abortion via fbk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
